When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
You Might Also Like
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now