At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.