Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
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Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.