Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
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Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.