I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
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Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.