A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
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EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids