Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
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Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Meow
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
we all know this pain all too well
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow: