Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
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If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few