*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
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I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
*3.5 thank you very much.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.