I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
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i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
🤯🤯🤯
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…