16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
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[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Bringing home a sharpie
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.