I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
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If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀