Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
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Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.