I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
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The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.