Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
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sistine chapel
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
When libraries troll their patrons.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.