I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
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Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.