At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
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Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
the composer
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Sorry not sorry.