Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
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Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn鈥檛 have any kids.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
#titanic
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
my depression: I鈥檓 sad
my anxiety: but why now I鈥檓 worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I鈥檓 sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn鈥檛 try to help it, right?
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don鈥檛 worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 馃 commenting like it鈥檚 ya first time ever seeing the picture
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you鈥檙e wearing is great!
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
[sitting in dentist鈥檚 chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i鈥檝e been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.