Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
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Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
This is sending me to another galaxy
Story of my life…..
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
🤣😂
work smarter, not harder
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?