Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
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Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.