What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
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When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Bring back the McRib
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I like crazy people until they notice me