I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
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May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this