*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
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We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!