Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
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*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
rise and shine we got egg
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.