Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
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why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.