tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
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Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!