If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
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Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
You got this…
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
dutch is not a serious language
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener