“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
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went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?