shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
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The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Meow
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.