When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
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Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
best first i’ve ever seen
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.