YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
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A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
even bears disappoint their mothers
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Grandmother clock.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*