my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.