My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
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Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.