If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
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Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
j o i m p
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.