Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
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Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
LOL
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam