My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
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Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Me, reading some of your tweets
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.