“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
You Might Also Like
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.