no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
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Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house