McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
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I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.