Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
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I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
nobody’s gonna understand
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.