Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
You Might Also Like
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”