Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
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Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime