Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
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in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’