I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
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*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Seek kebab; not attention
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“what that mouth do?” complain
$4 #usedbooks
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library