The real reason evolution started..😂
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Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
This week’s mood.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.