Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
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I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.