Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
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When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
S O O N
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.