Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
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boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD