Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
this has to be peak English
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
haha same
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?