Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.